FOX NEWS IN THE CROSSFIRE AND OTHER DIVERSIONS MINUTIA AND INCONSEQUENTIA For your information! As we all know, the United States is home to dozens of well-funded, highly influential Religious Right groups. The most powerful of these organizations conduct nationwide operations, command multi-million-dollar bank accounts and attract millions of followers. They have disproportionate clout in the halls of Congress, the White House and the courts, and they wield enormous influence over the political system. Alternet has put together an informative list of America's Top Ten Religious Right groups. Find out everything you ever wanted to know (but were afraid to ask) about these organizations' leaders, funding and activities. Every year, Project Censored puts together a list of that year's Top 25 Censored Stories. The latest compliation is a sobering doozy, and yer old pal Jerky notes with a paradoxical mix of pride and shame that diligent Daily Dirt readers should be hip to 14 out of the 25 featured stories. I mean, that's a helluva lot better than FOX News, but it's still not good enough. Speaking of FOX News, yer old pal Jerky hates them as much as the next freethinker, but shooting at their reporters in the field? That's just a flagrant waste of perfectly good ammunition. Our old pal ACD sent along this optical illusion, which he describes as "a good visual bit of chicanery". I agree one hundred percent. I'm not really sure what this is -- some kind of World War II era military training manual put together to teach G.I.'s about the wily character of the Japanese adversary -- but I know that I enjoyed it. Who knows? Maybe you guys will, too. Finally, a third party yer old pal Jerky can get behind! "Vote for ZOD in 2008, then kneel down before him... FOR ALL ETERNITY!" Many of you have written in asking for a link to the video of Preznit Dubya sneaking up on German chancellorette Angela Merkel and surprising her with one of those passive aggressive neck-rubs that creepy bosses occasionaly enjoy giving to hot chicks in their employ. Well, here you go. Watch it and weep. *** **** *** 50 EASY QUESTIONS TO ASK ANY REPUBLICAN Operating under the assumption that "anyone can ask tough, intricate, confrontational questions," columnist Robert J. Elisberg has put together a list of fifty easy questions -- easy to answer and friendly in tone -- that liberals can use to start breaking the ice of stupidity in which the average conservative skull is so stubbornly encased. Print them out, carry them around in your pocket, and the next time someone begins quoting from a Republican talking points memo, take the list out and ask: 1. What are the Top Seven best things that the Bush Administration has done? 2. Is the Iraq War is going well? 3. After three years thus far, when do you think Iraq might be able to "stand up" so that America can "stand down"? 4. For his part in the event, how would you rate the job the President did protecting New Orleans from devastation? 5. How do you think the rebuilding of New Orleans is going? 6. When Dick Cheney and the oil company and energy executives met in private to plan America's energy policy, how much of their goal was to benefit consumers? 7. Do you believe in the President's call for an Era of Personal Responsibility? 8. Since Republicans control the White House, Senate and House of Representatives, how personally responsible are they for conditions in America today? 9. Why do you think they haven't been able to find anyone who can verify that George Bush ever showed up for National Guard duty in Alabama? 10. Would you want Donald Rumsfeld to plan your daughter's wedding? For forty more questions just like these, click here... Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY July 19 On this day in 2001, James Howard Hatfield -- author of the highly critical and controversial Dubya biography Fortunate Son -- is found dead in an Arkansas hotel room, victim of an apparent "suicide". Hatfield's most contentious claim was that Dubya had been arrested on cocaine dealing charges back in the early seventies, and that Poppy Bush had to pull some major strings to get the charges wiped. Yer old pal Jerky was a spectator of the Hatfeild saga from pre-release buzz for his book, to the post-release controversy of its claims, to the attempts to assassinate Hatfield's character (he had no way to wipe his criminal record clean), to the unprecedented mass-burning of the original run, to the second printing by the courageous folks at Soft Skull Press, to the claim that Karl Rove was a source for the cocaine story, and eventually to the author's convenient hotel-room suicide. Shades of Danny Casolaro. Shades of Steve Kangas. But no matter what one thinks of the author as a man, Fortunate Son remains a book about which respected social critic Mark Crispin Miller said: "If there's any future for American democracy, the trashing of Fortunate Son and its author will eventually stand out as an important early episode in the history of the Bush reaction." You can buy it here. Use the provided link and we get a sheckle in our beggin cup!

THEY SAID IT! "First movie I've walked out of in 30 fucking years! It was so foul and mean and repulsive. I finally realized I could not say anything positive. I wasn't ready for this kind of smut. I hope he doesn't make any more movies." - Movie critic Joel Siegel storms out, 40 minutes into a screening of Kevin Smith's new movie, Clerks 2, because of some extended and graphic bestiality banter. *** **** *** "Getting a bad review from Siegel is like a badge of honor. This is the guy who stole his mustachioed-critic shtick from Gene Shalit years ago, and still refuses to give it back. This is a guy who seemingly prides himself on his own nyuk-nyuk wordplay. For Pirates 2, he made us all titter with 'Yo, Ho, Ho and a Bottle of Fun' He made us squeal with delight when he wrote, 'Wheelie Good Time for Cars.' I mean, Fozzy Fucking Bear laughs at this guy. I don't need Joel Siegel to suck my dick the way he apparently sucks M. Night Shyamalan's, gushing over his flick before he's even seen it, but fuck, man - how about a little common fucking courtesy? You never, never disrupt a movie, simply because you don't like it. Cardinal rule of moviegoing: Shut your fucking mouth while the movie's playing. I don't come down to your job and slap the taste out of your mouth for coming up with a line like, 'Shark Tale Is a Halibut Good Time' - so don't fuck with my stuff while it's still screening. What are you, a 12-year-old boy cutting loose with your pals at a Friday night screening of Scary Movie 4 while your parents are in a theater down the hall watching The Devil Wears Prada? Leave the diva-like behavior and drama-queen antics to the movie stars, not the movie reviewer, ya rude-ass fuck." - Kevin Smith puts Siegel in his place, right quick.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by AJC! A journalist interviews Sir Paul McCartney: "So, Sir Paul, do you think that you will ever go down on one knee again?" Sir Paul: "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Gillian for sending in today's second joke. On the fifteenth hole, Dave hits his golf ball into the woods and finds it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ends up thrashing every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a beautiful woman appears. She says "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? For doing what you did, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. And, you won't have any butter for your toast. In fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF! She disappears. After Dave recovers from the shock, he yells to his friend. Fred. "Hey, Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm in the rough, over here in a patch of pussy willows." Dave shouts back "Don't swing, Fred! For the love of God, DON'T SWING!!!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Nan or Ben... Two patients limp into two different American Medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients? The first is a Golden Retriever..... The second is a Senior Citizen.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: IN PRAISE OF TENNESSEE care of: An Old Marine Dearly Beloved Jerky; I haven't written to you in a while, although I have sent you countless telepathic messages. Apparently we did not get a good signal. I hope you are well, and I am not troubled that you are a slightly overweight atheist. God bless you anyhow. First off - I am from Tennessee, and proudly so. I know there was much truth in the barbs you flung the past few days. The stereotypes of the toothless unwashed hillbillies who purportedly populate my beloved home state are not entirely undeserved. There is still rampant racism (which I abhor) simmering at a low boil here. And we have more than our fair share of beehive hairdo wearing, Ten Commandments posting, snake handling, fundamentalist ignoramuses. But, by God, this place is my home, and I love it, warts and all. Never minding some of the Nazi politics here, I adore Dolly Parton (born in Pigeon Forge), and for more than just the two reasons you might suspect. Elvis called Memphis home, and EVERYBODY loves Elvis! Lester Flatt came from Sparta, and Carl Perkins was born near Tiptonville. The Grand Architect of America's Indian massacres and founder of what is today know as the Democratic Party, Andy "Old Hickory" Jackson, resided near Donelson, a town named after his in-laws. Cordell Hull, arguably this nation's greatest Secretary of State, was from Carthage, as is Al "Second Place" Gore, Jr. But my two favorite Tennesseans of all time are David Crockett and Sam Houston, in that order. Houston was a savant alcoholic who had the uncanny ability to persuade masses of people to follow him into insane endeavors - just like defending the Alamo. He was one of our early Governors, and he exercised his propensity to fight until his very end. Crockett is the greatest. He was born into hardship, and suffered the temper of a very harsh father through the first 12 years of his life. He was a self taught woodsman who became expert at his craft. Most of the income he made throughout his life was through harvesting bear meat. The last 10 to 15 years of his life were spent in the region of our state that gave birth to me, Northwest Tennessee. It is still agrarian and relatively untarnished by the Industrial Revolution. Testimony to Crockett's prowess as a bear hunter is this: It was recorded that in one winter, Crockett and his 8-year-old son harvested 110 black bears from Bayou de Cheyne, Reelfoot Creek, Crockett bottoms, and the Obion River bottoms. During that winter, a neighbor came out to inform Crockett that his wife was gravely ill - probably dying. Crockett left his son in the woods with instructions to continue the hunt while he went back home for six weeks to attend to his sick wife (What kind of an asshole leaves an 8-year-old boy alone in the wilderness during the dead of winter?). Just how good were they at harvesting bears? The only black bears in West Tennessee today are at the zoo in Memphis. But what endears me to Crockett, especially in this day and age, is his record as a politician. Had I lived during his time, he would have been my Congressman. Crockett was a Democrat - but not an Andy Jackson Democrat. Crockett was a populist, a true man of the people. And he was a native genius in public speaking, in spite of his near illiteracy. While in his campaign for Congress, Crockett and his opponent traveled from town to town and gave speeches and engaged in debates. They alternated who spoke first, so as not to handicap one or the other with never getting to be the "closer." One hot summer day, they were assembled before a crowd at the courthouse square in a small West Tennessee town. They were surrounded on all sides by saloons. As luck would have it, Crockett was to speak first on this occasion. Here is the entirety of his speech: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here this day so that my opponent and I can plead for your votes to a seat in our Congress. But it's just too damned hot to be standing out in this sun. I believe I'll step across the street and have me a drink. If any of you care to join me, I'm buying!" Where, oh where, is Crockett today? We do so desperately need him. On an unrelated note, I wonder if this following thought has occurred to others. Our White House has been occupied the past six years by a person purported to be an arch conservative. He and the majority of the membership of both houses of Congress are of the same ilk. Republicans have controlled Congress since 1998. Most of our Supreme Court Justices are arch conservatives. The reason the above statements are true is due in large part to the concerted efforts of the Religious Right. No other faction has worked harder to put the Right in power. What is it that they want? They want the Ten Commandments posted in buildings paid for with tax money. They want abortion outlawed. They want gay marriage outlawed. How has it escaped their notice that the very people they have worked so hard to put in power have neglected to enact these policies? Those who wield national political power have held this power now for several years, and they have chosen not to enact the agenda with which they were sent to their seats in Washington. I can see and even understand, politically, the wisdom of keeping a contentious issue that has always helped me win. Thus is explained the hesitancy on the part the part of the Republicans to end these debates by enacting laws that take these issues out of the arena. But I cannot for the life of me see why the Religious Right continues to pin their hopes and dreams on people who have obviously abandoned them and their causes. Apparently their collective idiocy knows no bounds. And that's MY two cents. I love you, brother! Stay away from parasite-infested food. Keep your horse saddled and your powder dry. An Old Marine Smyrna TN [I love you too, maaan. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hey Jerky; If only today's journalists would follow in Christine Chubbuck's fine example! If any crop of journalists in the history of the fourth estate deserve it, it's this one. In any culture where I have to rely on comedians like Jon Stewart and whackjobs like Alex Jones to find out what's really going on, something is deeply and profoundly Fucked Up in the world of media. Shakespeare once wrote: "Let us kill all the lawyers." What he wrote with sarcasm, I now write with conviction: let us kill all the TV news anchors. Lee [Rhetorically speaking, of course. - Jerky] *** **** *** Whuh?! Whydja hafta go an post that bawdy picture of my Mom? David S. [She begged us! - Jerky] *** **** *** So I made a Flash ...and you're more than welcome to show it in the Dirt if you so choose. And while I'm at it, you're friggin' awesome. Please, keep your fat white nastiness on my intarweb. Michael Chambers [Very nicely done, sir. - Jerky] *** **** *** Howdy Jerkster, I don't know if you've already read this, or if it's old news, but I thought it a hilarious double standard that seemed 100% fit to print in the Dirt. I'm talking about a campus in Rhode Island that started up a Penis Day, all in the hopes of combatting the anti-male Vagina Day. School officals had an "anything goes" attitude about V-day, but poo-pooed P-day, even taking the students male phalic mascot into custody. After you read the story, I'm sure you'll be chanting "Free Testaclese, Free Testaclese!" All the best, Paul [Seeing as this story features two of the things I hate the most -- political correctness, and conservative over-reaction to political correctness -- I'm going to have to wish a pox on both their privates. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Is FEMA in charge of the evacuation of Americans from Lebanon? News reports say 25,000 Americans are there, but no one knows how many want to leave. So, several days after the shelling begins, the U.S. government hires a boat that can hold 750. As it's steaming toward the panicked refugee-wanna-be's, a government talking head goes on TV to explain how incredibly rapidly they responded to the crisis. Heckuva job, Brownie! Indiana Kevin [Heckuva job, indeed. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Here are two tests to determine whether or not you are gay. Enjoy! SingleM [Looks like I'm gay. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, I was just surfing the web for some information on the Warren Commission. I wanted to see who was on that commission and look at their backgrounds. Then I came across this article and stopped to read it. Nothing has changed. In fact, I believe the problem is worse today than it was back then. I loved this quote from the article. George H. W. Bush, the recently appointed Director of the CIA announced a new policy: "Effective immediately, the CIA will not enter into any paid or contract relationship with any full-time or part-time news correspondent accredited by any U.S. news service, newspaper, periodical, radio or television network or station." However, he added that the CIA would continue to "welcome" the voluntary, unpaid cooperation of journalists. YOP, Bob [Now you know why you can't trust the so-called mainstream journalistic media. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com